Changing of the Winds

Alex and Alice
<3

I'm not really sure if anyone at all is still reading this, but a promise is a promise. I will regularly post on my blog until the end of May. I will warn that I wont be able to blog every night because I wont have something interesting to say every day and as much as I'm enjoying my job it is exhausting and I will admit I have been relying on energy drinks to get me through the days and nights lately.

My fundraising total has risen! It now stands at . . . £128!
With great thanks to:
Steph Cockburn - Friend of my older sister Felicity, and over many a hilarious/drunken night we have also become friends :) Steph's always there to support you no matter what.

Yesterday was an average day at work followed by a lovely couple of drinks at the Half Moon Pub. It was lovely to get the opportunity to chat with other staff members and get to know them a little better.

I will admit today has been a lovely day weather-wise, beautiful sunshine, but I have noticed something has changed within me lately.

As you all know I recently realised that I was existing instead of living, and although losing Alex enhanced my lack of interest in experiencing all that life has to offer, I can now see that it stems further back than that. I will admit that I feel I am not popular, pretty or in anyway special, I will state if ever asked that I am average. No amount of compliments, arguments or persuasion will change my mind.

I'm not explaining this for sympathy, I just want you to understand how big an impact Alex had and still has  on my life. I resigned myself at an early age that I am not and never will be anything special, that I would simply put everyone else's needs before my own because I knew one day in the future I will die (I promise I am not being morbid just stating the obvious). So with that in mind I put all my hopes, dreams and dilemmas aside and proceeded with putting everyone and their needs before my own.

Alex spurred me on for a year to do something that she knew I loved and I didn't see it as doing something for me because she made it seem like I was doing it to help the school. Alex encouraged me to sing, in music classes, in the school choir, in a school production and a small singing group called Vo-Cool. So much was learnt and gained in that small school year and I felt dreadful before a performance and on top of the world afterwards. Alex even made it to a couple of performances.

Alex used to say that one day she'd get an application form for one of the singing competitions you see on the TV and I would always say that I'm no where near good enough to attempt going on any such show. I miss these short conversations we shared because she was always so adamant that I should give it a go. Whilst watching Britain's Got Talent and The Voice, it reminded me of how Alex saw directly into who I really was behind the "Good Samaritan" façade that I showed the world and now realise that she was trying to return the favour.

Everyone goes through a phase where they simply don't care about certain things in their lives, but in the last couple of months I seem to have found that life is worth living and its worth living it to the fullest you possibly can. I know Alex treasured every minor memory and tried to leave a legacy in her wake, I personally am grateful that she did, or else I truly don't know how I would have coped this last year.

Vo-Cool
Luke, Alice, Michael, Me, Josh, Corrina, James

A word from Alex
To Becca, (Rhianna feat. Jay Z Umbrella!)
Just wanted you to know,
I'll never let you go,
When the sun shines we'll shine together,
I'll be here forever,
I said I'll always be your friend,
I took an oath Ima stick it our till the end,
Now that its raining more than ever,
We'll stick together,
You can stand under my umbrella!
Love Alex X

Savouring the Memories

Shmile! :)

Just a quick post tonight, bee a busy and tiring day once more.

I think I'm finally getting the gist of things at work now, will be interesting to see how I cope alone tomorrow as the boss is off on holiday for the day. It's times like this that I miss Alex more than ever, right now she'd be talking to me everyday to see how each new day at a new job has been, and how I'm coping with the new stresses and learning that I'm doing. I think I would murder for one of her hugs right now, found myself feeling a little low lately, not sure why probably because its nearly a year sine Alex and her boyfriend Tom were taken from this world in a fatal accident.

Another of Alex's best friends Hazel, has organised a beautifully fitting tribute for this heartbreaking anniversary that will remain with us every year. Hazel has arranged for a group of us to have a couple of drinks at a local pub that we used to visit and to walk from there to where the accident took place and lay flowers at the site of the accident, we will also be releasing lanterns into the night sky . . . Thank you Hazel, it truly is a beautiful tribute for our beautiful Alex.

The total stands at £118, I sincerely hope the promises of donations will boost my total in the coming weeks.

A word from Alex
Every time yew open ur Glasses case know that ILY <3
Love Alex XOX

At Peace Part Two

<3 Peek-a-Boo! <3

The total still stands at £118, so I hope to see that raise by tomorrow's blog please :)

. . . After being show the equipment we are escorted by staff and family members to the top most roof via a lift and a metal ladder. Only Julia, the abseiling instructors and myself were allowed up the metal ladder to the very top. As Julia is petrified of heights it was agreed that Julia would go first and with some encouragement she went over the edge and although she squealed a little on the way down she succeeded in her aims.

Whilst Julia abseiled it gave me time to absorb my surroundings and the views. Considering we were in the centre of a very busy London, it was quiet, tranquil and relaxing, all you could hear was the wind swirling by, all you could smell was the sweet drizzling rainfall and the sights were life affirming seeing everyone living equally the same either letting time pass them by or savouring life and the memories that come with it.

This moment filled me with a sense of peace that I have never felt before and it still remains with me every day. It felt like all the grief and unnecessary guilt that I have been carrying with me everyday of my life, including losing Alex, my Great Aunt Maud and my Granddad, was released from me, it felt like I was being unchained from the pain it all caused to leave me with the happy memories and to encourage me to live like they did. All three of the above lived life to the full no matter what they were facing, I only wish I knew how much they would mould me into who I am today.

Soon it was my turn to go over the edge, I was so eager to get going that one foot cheekily stepped onto the face of the wall before I was actually allowed to, before I knew it I was walking down the wall and it was exhilarating I forgot how good it felt to be doing something I love again. The shoes I wore for this sport weren't entirely appropriate as they were only plimsolls really, so I was only one or so metres down when I started to lose my footing against the wall a little. so when I regained my footing in a ridge and muttered to myself "Why are you shuffling down the wall like a beginner? Time to start jumping I think" and with that I loosened the slack on the rope that I controlled and pushed away from the wall . . .I had also forgotten how much quicker and easier this technique is and how much more enjoyable it is to do :)

Sadly I was nearing the ground once more and I was suspended a couple of metres above the ground for a couple of photo opportunities then finally . . . I landed and I landed on my feet for the first and only time. Normally whenever I do structured climbs or abseils (with harness and support ropes) I always land on my bum!

I could have done that all day! :)

Word from Alex
I could be in a room full
of a thousand people -
Yet I'd still feel alone
without you <3

(Jack 4 Sally)
      XOX

At Peace

Alex all dress up on
her 17th and sadly
final birthday

As I have been so busy over the last couple of days I haven't had much time or energy to maintain my nightly blog. And for that I apologise from the bottom of my heart. It seems this adventure, a new job and leaving a job have unexpectedly drained me of my usual energy.

Before I update you on the day to day events of Saturday, Sunday, Monday and today I will update you that I have a current total of £118! I also have promises of donations at the end of this month.
With special thanks to:

Sophie Lapin - Sophie is a school-friend of my older sister, and as I have grown up we have also become friends enjoying many a funny or tearful night our together, Sophie has the brightest smile around :)

If you can spare even the smallest amount towards my cause I would really appreciate it. :)

I think I'll tease you about the past couple of days, I'll work back day by day.

Today - It was my 3rd day at my new job, and I seem to be getting to grips with what I am supposed to do, and I'm even managing to get my guys to let me know where they are like they should be. I had a dental appointment that I was dreading but I am glad I went as my broken tooth (where I tried to eat a Mini's car window - inside joke) is now fixed. I had an amusing moment today when half of my face was still numb from he injection I had to do a answer-phone recording for one of our customers and not only did it take several attempts but the end result sounded better then when I don't have a numb face.

Yesterday - Was introduced to management staff in the management meeting, started learning properly what I am supposed to be doing. Also started understanding who is who and what their personalities are. it was an exhausting day that left me longing for my bed, which is why I ended up doing a short blog linking to an online photo album of the abseil. May I just say how sorry I am for breaking my promise to you, I never break my promises and those of you that know me will know that about me. It might be that the exhaustion from having glandular fever a year or so ago has left me with re-occurring tiredness that knocks me out.

Sunday - Mother's Day and what a magnificent mother I have, my mother and me woke early had our breakfast and decided enough was enough and once my mother had opened her cards and presents, we re-arranged our living room because my younger sister has the strength of a 5 year old and my father isn't able to do as much nowadays - besides both of them were asleep. We had an enjoyable day with family visiting and calling throughout the day. I rounded off the day by cooking the family a lovely meal (their words not mine) of Gammon steaks, pineapple, eggs and salad. I did all this whilst I had battered and bruised ribs and legs - as I had forgotten how much pain abseiling leaves you in.

Saturday - The Big Day. I woke early and as a family we were collectively ready, out the door and in the car on the road to London Town (said in a London accent) I tried to keep focussed on what I was about to do and why I was doing it, I didn't want anyone else's thoughts to creep in and make me doubt my own will power. Unfortunately the sat-nav had other ideas and instead took us on a tour of London and tried to take us down every closed road there was in London. We were mere minutes late, I filled in the relevant paperwork and gave my belongings to my family and put on my Child Bereavement Charity T-shirt. Julia and myself were then showed out to the 3rd floor roof garden where we were kitted up and shown how to use the equipment . . . To Be Continued . . .

A word from Alex
Your gone & it's bad,
Your gone & it's sad,
You use to love me &
Now your just a memory.

Photographic Evidence

Absolutely Knackered, So I will give you the link below to the photo album of the abseil and I will give you a massive blog tomorrow straight after work. I just desperately need a good nights sleep I hope you can all forgive me for that.

Abseil photo album

Many apologies,
Becca
XOX

The Day and Night Before

<3 The Love Birds <3
Alex & Tom
Both Sorely Missed

What a day! I have so much to tell you all! My first day at work was lovely, I had an intense day of training on several systems and had the company and my role explained to me in further detail. I was also informed about the Château in the south of France that we are allowed to stay in after being with the company 2 years.

I met the majority of my team and a lot of the company staff. Some of which I knew from when I worked at Lemmings and even a school friend of my sisters. They are all a lovely bunch of people and I met the MD of the entire company, who may be a keen businessmen but is a lovely gent and has wonderful taste in architecture. Although my role is an administrator it seems I will spend some time looking after the six lovely gents in my office, who so far have behaved just because I'm in the office. It's a massive change working in an all women team to me being the only woman in the office, but as always I will adapt to this change.

I went out tonight to celebrate Claire Riley's birthday (which was yesterday) even though I was exhausted, I'm glad I did as it gave me the opportunity to see some friendly faces and give Claire her gift.

I had some lovely surprises when I logged on today, I had some emails from the Charity spurring me on and wishing me well, I do so very miss them already but I understand that 5G Communications have links with the Charity. :)

The other surprise is that I have received a further 3 donations online in addition to the two I have received in person.
With thanks to those that are taking me closer to my total:
Lesley Greenwood - Amazing Administrator for the Child Bereavement Charity, Lesley is still fairly new and apart from learning almost everything in the training team, Lesley is in the process of finalising plans for her wedding in April, considering all of this she still remains happy and the light of the room.
Julia Lawrance - Head of Training, always there to help and advise, Julia manages the whole team and will be my competition in the race to reach the 3rd floor roof garden again at 10am Tomorrow :) Best of Luck x
Ann Chalmers - Chief Executive of the Child Bereavement Charity and does a sterling job of it, and even though Ann is basically the big boss, you can always count on her having a chat when she is in the office.
My offline donations:
Sophie Evans - I have know Sophie since we were very little and very different people, throughout everything we have remained friends and stayed in contact :) No matter what we'll never fully part :)
Daisy Johnson - I have known daisy for around 7 years now and she is lovely, if I'm honest Daisy is crazy but I wouldn't want her to be any other way, she is and always has been who she wants to be and I admire her for that.

Now I know your dying to know what my total is now and it is (drum roll please) . . . . £108! Which means that I have raised 43% of my target amount. I must admit I didn't think I'd get this much within one week. Please don't forget that I will continue fundraising until the 30th of May and If you request it I will continue to blog until that date?

I have been raking my brain on what memory to tell you tonight and I decided I'd share a private one that I have of me and Alex, a memory that very few know of (god, this is starting to sound like something out of Harry Potter). Alex and me had quite a few things in common and one thing that we regularly joked about was lingerie - mainly that we both loved corsets, so one year for her birthday or even perhaps Christmas I bought a black corset that was identical to a Red one that I had. May I please add that any guys reading this shouldn't get any ideas as I no longer like them. When Alex opened the present (when she got home from school) she thanked me and asked me to wear mine under my school clothes, as she would too. On the day we both wore them not only were we struggling to breath but when we went into a cubicle to show each other the corsets I had to inform Alex that not only was she wearing the corset the wrong way round but also inside out, no wonder she was struggling more than I was. So as a result I had to help her out of it so that she could wear it the right way round and with the satin side facing out. We fell out of the cubicle laughing and got warned about noise in the corridor, no one knows this but before I met Alex I was quiet, reserved and shy . . . I am who I am today because she brought me out of my shell :) <3

Tonight's Word from Alex
Becca,
ILY, ILY, ILY, ILY, ILY
I don't have anything from you in my treasure box so write me a letter you smexii Biznash!
Love
Alex
xox

I don't think I ever contributed to her treasure box, and I dreadfully regret that, but on the back of this note I wrote "Death is peaceful, easy. Life is hard" It's definitely my handwriting I just don't remember writing it.

Translations:
ILY = I LOVE YOU!
Smexii = Sexy
Biznash = Bitch

Up early to get to London for the Abseil in the cold and wet rain, wish me luck and who do you think will reach the bottom first . . . Julia or me?

PS) I have just checked Julia's total! she has exceeded her target already! Well Done Julia!!!! :) xxx <3

One Chapter Closes and Another Begins

A very pretty Alex smoking
Alex lived life to the full and did what
she wanted because she knew just
 how very short life can be

So today was my last day at the Child Bereavement Charity, it was wonderful to see all the butterfly cakes that I made last night disappear before my eyes. I received some unexpected leaving gifts such as chocolates, some lovely books, two little doves that I interpret me "flying the nest", and an experience pack to go paint balling with 9 friends :). The Charity also kindly clubbed together to get me a gift card for New Look to buy new work clothes, which I am very grateful for :)

The total still stands at £53, so any donations would be gratefully received as I heard that the weather will be rainy on Saturday and I have received notification that Julia and me will be abseiling at 10am.

I've managed to wangle some memories that some of Alex's friends have of her, I understand that it can be hard to remember and share these memories as we now treasure them, because no more memories of Alex can be created.  Below is a conversation I have had with some of them on Facebook. Below is a conversation I have had with Alice Murray and Claire Riley on Facebook.

• 
  

  Rebecca Stafford Could someone give me a memory that they have of Alex please?

  22 minutes ago · 
• 

  Claire Riley umm... she always used to spell my name like this "clair" with no e, and whenever she remembered she made a point of it lol, and i when i passed out she ran all the way to matron with bare feet xx

  18 minutes ago · 
• 

  Rebecca Stafford I can work with that :) Alice you got one?

  15 minutes ago · 
• 

  Alice Murray first halloween party she had at her house near the esso, i was wearing some god awful angel costume and I slightly came out as bi cos i fancied hazel, instead of supporting me and saying everything wuld be fine, she ripped the piss out of me for the whole nite. though in the morning she did make it up to me with cookie dough ice cream. best halloween party ever

And the lovely Laura Smith has also shared the amusing memory below.

22:43

A memory I thought of was that when it was Christmas we had the crazy idea of roasting chestnuts on her fireplace and we ended up burning her carpet xxx

So I start my new job tomorrow and I truly don't know how I feel about that, I don't think I've had much time to mull it over which I guess is a good thing as when I do have the time to think about these things I worry about them to the point where I make myself ill. I'll be fine right?

Tonight's word from Alex always makes me regret not being as skilled as she was, as I never had the nerve to write about how important she was to me. So I would like to dedicate this poem by Alex in her memory.

A Word from Alex
I wonder if you know how much it means to me knowing you are there,
I wonder if you know how much it means to me knowing that you care,

It doesn't matter were I go, your with me everywhere.

Get by with a Little help from friends and family

Alex on holiday watching the sun set

This still counts as Wednesday's post as I haven't been to sleep yet. Sorry for the lateness of this post but I have been busy this evening buying baking goods and putting them to practice by making 40 Butterfly Butter cream Filled Cupcakes for my last day at work, 30 of these will be going to work to feed the staff that will be in attendance for my last day with the Child Bereavement Charity. And as with any baking opportunity within a home you have to bake extra for your own family :)

The name of this post is still relevant as I wouldn't have been able to get to the shop without a lift from a Co-worker, Maggie, I wouldn't have been able to get as much work done today without the assistance of my friends (the Training Team) and if it wasn't for the delicious meal that my father made I wouldn't be still awake. The small bottle of cider and 2 glasses of wine have assisted in avoiding the writers block that I usually face when writing my blog.

I have some uplifting news to share, I checked my just giving page and found that my total has risen to £53 which is 21% of my overall total.
With great thanks to:
Sue Randall - Head of Admin, Sue always has a friendly smile on her face and I will never forget how warmly she welcomed me to the Child Bereavement Charity :)
Sarah Petersen - Training Administrator and Marketing Consultant, Sarah has taught me so much more than she realises, I only hope my marketing skills reflect that :)
Julie Cullingworth - Resources administrator, Julie has always been there to lift my spirits and lead friendly advice :)

One of my fondest memories of Alex was one of the PE lessons we were assigned to choreograph a dance routine, the teacher selected a song from the CD and stuck it on repeat. Alex had spent a lot of time with me at that time and when the music hit our ears we caught the beat and just started dancing. Then with the rest of our group we created a routine and we thought that the routine was fine and so when we'd finished our performance to the rest of the class we were shocked to hear that we were no longer allowed to dance in that way because it was classed as too "Exotic" for school. We left the changing rooms that day arm in arm  crying with laughter.

As it draws closer to the anniversary of Alex's death her Facebook page is seeing regular activity, a close friend of Alex and mine, Laura Smith, uploaded a lovely message saying all the things that everyone is thinking at this painful time. We talked tonight in more depth and heartfelt thought than we have in a long time. I hope I can be there to support Laura through whatever life throws her way, just like Alex was for us.

A Short Poem Alex once wrote me
I don't know why I write,
It helps me think,
It helps me say what I wanna say,

Don't every leave me becca,
I need you here,
I hope you stay,

Work, Worry and Sadness

Beaufort House
I am abseiling that height in cold, windy London

So where do I start, I guess I'd better get the updates out of the way before I inform you about my general state of mind.

The total on my justgiving page still stands at £23, I have been contacted by many friends and colleagues reassuring me that they will donate at the end of the month. May I just say that I have until the 30th of May to raise £250 so all contributions are gratefully received.

I won't be doing the abseil alone this Saturday, I will be in the company of my Manager, Julia Lawrance, who is petrified of heights. We will be supported by some staff members, volunteers, and our nearest and dearest . . . I don't have a fear of heights but that picture does make me feel a little nervous.

It has been a long day at work and I have found myself feeling reluctant to leave the Child Bereavement Charity, they have been an extended family to me over this past year and I fear that no matter how much I stay in contact I will be losing life-long friends. I have had to start saying goodbye to them and it breaks my heart a little bit every time I do, these wonderful people have been there for me every step of the way, I wouldn't be who I am and know the things I know now, if they hadn't taken a chance on a teenager with retail experience. I hope they know how much they all mean to me and how scared I am of losing them.

Most people don't know that when you go through a traumatic experience you tend to create a support system that consists of family and friends, unfortunately after Alex's departure from this world I found myself unable to talk to my family because didn't know Alex like I did. I tried to talk to my friends but I ended up spending time trying to support them through their grief because I felt they had more of a right to. I ended up suppressing my grief and in turn it has caused me harm in so many ways. I began to grieve properly when one of Alex's other best friends Serena, told my sister (after hearing that I felt I didn't have a right to grieve) "Becca has every right to grieve, I always thought her and Alex were really close".

I also found people I could talk to within the Child Bereavement Charity, such as Tor, an athletic and energetic woman that always knows how to make me smile and to look at the world in another perspective. The outstanding Bereavement Services Team also supported me, I have seen first hand how good they are with the bereaved and can only hope that if you do ever need bereavement support that you are in contact with them.

I had the idea (with some suggestions from friends) to get in contact with a celebrity about this weekends challenge but unfortunately Tim Burton, Johnny Depp and some music artists I know Alex liked don't have email addresses so I cant contact them in time for the event. So instead I am going to contact our old school (Great Marlow School) to see if there is anything they can do to help me and my cause in memory of my dear friend and their wonderful pupil, Alex Kurzyniec.

Alex and myself at our prom
She always looked effortlessly stunning
<3 Missing you <3 

A Poem from Alex when I gave her a birthday present:
To Becca,

I wonder if you know,
How cool I think you are,
And if it's so,
I hope you'll never ever go.

I wonder if you know how much I thing of you,
I think your really awesom,
I think your a great friend,
I hope you think that's true,
Forever now I hope it's me & you.

So pin this on your bedroom wall,
And if ever your in need upon me you can call,
So I say a friend in need is a friend indeed,
I'm a friend in need,
And you are my friend indeed.

And when you cant be here,
I'll think of you & look at my necklace,
And because of you I'll never feel friend-less.

Thank you
together forever
Me & U!

Love the fallen child
Alex
xxx

My Promise to You

Alex and her Gecko Jaigo

I want to show that I am dedicated to what I am about to do, so my promise to you is that I will post on my blog at least once a day.

I will try my best to add a photo of Alex and the people that were important in her life, and with the help of those people I will add a memory that someone has of her and I will share one of the notes that she left behind for me per day until I run out.

Additionally to this I will keep you up to date with the donation total and who has donated per day . . . so donate to get your name and how I know you published right here!

Whilst we are on this note may I announce that my current total is £23! In one day :)
With a massive thanks to:
Charlie Smith - We used to work together and I am proud to call her my friend :)
Ian Davis - Head of Fundraising at the Child Bereavement Charity and will be cycling from London to Amsterdam, in the past year Ian has kept myself and other co-workers smiling and laughing :)
Ann Rowland - Head of Bereavement Services at the Child Bereavement Charity and despite being incredibly busy always spares time to help you.

I sent round an email today at work to boost publicity within work that I am really going ahead with this challenge and the encouraging and supportive messages that I received in return encourage me to complete my challenge.

A Word from Alex
"Remember --> Alex <3's U"

A Little Introduction

What I'm going to be doing:
As you will have seen on my just giving page I currently work for the Child Bereavement Charity as an Administration Apprentice. This week will be my final week working with the charity but I will remain a strong supporter of the work that they do, and will volunteer at any and all events I can.

About Alex:
Alex was the life and soul of life itself, she took me under her wing when I transferred to Great Marlow School. We went through so many highs and lows of life in the six years I knew her. One of the lowest points was the unexpected death of her mother, unfortunately Alex was the one who found her. I was there for Alex every step of the way and with a few of her selected friends, attended her mothers funeral and stood by her side as she read one of the most beautiful poems I have ever heard, that she had written herself.

Although Alex didn't know it, she truly was my rock, I could rely on her at any time to guide me to the right choice. So when she died on the 29th of March 2011 at 8pm in a car accident with her boyfriend, it felt and still feels like the world crumbled. Since then I've existed instead of living, stopped feeling anything real, but now its time to get back to living because I've found messages that Alex wrote for me before she passed and between her death and now they kept appearing . . . I didn't even know I had them in the first place.

Why an Abseil:
Not long after I started at Great Marlow School we went on a school trip and part of that trip was to climb and abseil down a climbing wall, I do rock-climbing and free-climbing as a hobby and so climbed and abseiled the 30ft wall with ease. This event will take my hobby to new heights approximately 6 times higher that I have ever been before.

I will also be posting some of my memories of Alex and some of her closest friends will also be contributing to this blog so that we can collectively remember Alex in the run up to the anniversary of her death.
Please join me on the adventure that I am about to embark on.