Work, Worry and Sadness

Beaufort House
I am abseiling that height in cold, windy London

So where do I start, I guess I'd better get the updates out of the way before I inform you about my general state of mind.

The total on my justgiving page still stands at £23, I have been contacted by many friends and colleagues reassuring me that they will donate at the end of the month. May I just say that I have until the 30th of May to raise £250 so all contributions are gratefully received.

I won't be doing the abseil alone this Saturday, I will be in the company of my Manager, Julia Lawrance, who is petrified of heights. We will be supported by some staff members, volunteers, and our nearest and dearest . . . I don't have a fear of heights but that picture does make me feel a little nervous.

It has been a long day at work and I have found myself feeling reluctant to leave the Child Bereavement Charity, they have been an extended family to me over this past year and I fear that no matter how much I stay in contact I will be losing life-long friends. I have had to start saying goodbye to them and it breaks my heart a little bit every time I do, these wonderful people have been there for me every step of the way, I wouldn't be who I am and know the things I know now, if they hadn't taken a chance on a teenager with retail experience. I hope they know how much they all mean to me and how scared I am of losing them.

Most people don't know that when you go through a traumatic experience you tend to create a support system that consists of family and friends, unfortunately after Alex's departure from this world I found myself unable to talk to my family because didn't know Alex like I did. I tried to talk to my friends but I ended up spending time trying to support them through their grief because I felt they had more of a right to. I ended up suppressing my grief and in turn it has caused me harm in so many ways. I began to grieve properly when one of Alex's other best friends Serena, told my sister (after hearing that I felt I didn't have a right to grieve) "Becca has every right to grieve, I always thought her and Alex were really close".

I also found people I could talk to within the Child Bereavement Charity, such as Tor, an athletic and energetic woman that always knows how to make me smile and to look at the world in another perspective. The outstanding Bereavement Services Team also supported me, I have seen first hand how good they are with the bereaved and can only hope that if you do ever need bereavement support that you are in contact with them.

I had the idea (with some suggestions from friends) to get in contact with a celebrity about this weekends challenge but unfortunately Tim Burton, Johnny Depp and some music artists I know Alex liked don't have email addresses so I cant contact them in time for the event. So instead I am going to contact our old school (Great Marlow School) to see if there is anything they can do to help me and my cause in memory of my dear friend and their wonderful pupil, Alex Kurzyniec.

Alex and myself at our prom
She always looked effortlessly stunning
<3 Missing you <3 

A Poem from Alex when I gave her a birthday present:
To Becca,

I wonder if you know,
How cool I think you are,
And if it's so,
I hope you'll never ever go.

I wonder if you know how much I thing of you,
I think your really awesom,
I think your a great friend,
I hope you think that's true,
Forever now I hope it's me & you.

So pin this on your bedroom wall,
And if ever your in need upon me you can call,
So I say a friend in need is a friend indeed,
I'm a friend in need,
And you are my friend indeed.

And when you cant be here,
I'll think of you & look at my necklace,
And because of you I'll never feel friend-less.

Thank you
together forever
Me & U!

Love the fallen child
Alex
xxx